3AM Thoughts

I don't actually know how much Gratitude will be woven into this entry,
but my journal is on the other side of the room and my phone is in my hand so you are getting some raw 3am thoughts.

I'm scared.

I am scared because I have been practicing more blind faith, unconditional trust, and full surrender that ever before and it has me feeling raw and vulnerable....weak, even.

I'm scared because I want to believe God has a hand in all this, but all I can feel in this 3D reality is the presence of darkness lurking.

Our shadows have collectively surfaced and we have been staring at them as they play out our nightmares.

I am scared as this entire scenario plays out like a sick (not cool sick) sifi movie and I have caught myself holding my breath; waiting for a director to yell "CUT!"

I am scared that we won't be able to come together powerfully enough to protect ourselves in a lasting way.

I am scared because the train feels too fast and has gotten to close before we are seeing it thrash through our cities, communities, and lives.

I am frustrated.
I feel small.
I feel angry.
I feel lonely.
I feel too smart.
I feel too dumb.

I feel torn over some of my own plights while also processing the plights of humanity.

I want to hold and heal while I also crave being held and consoled.
I want to shout and educate while also desiring reassurance and safety.

I feel perplexed about my drive to solve something, anything, while feeling like a spec on the planet in a blip of time.

I feel torn between important and insignificant.

The everything and nothingness of it all.

The feeling of vertigo this experience is causing throwing me off balance and out of whack.

I pray and even beg for guidance but my faith waivers as I learn to trust fully.

I want to be held down. Grounded. Told. Directed. Instructed. Shown.

I crave physical comfort and relief when the work is truly done in the spiritual realm.

There is an incompatibility between my desires and their 'solutions' that will not satisfy my humanly needs.

It is the spiritual self I must lean into for truth at these times.

Getting out of my head and dropping into my heart is the only place to go.

There are still many days when my heart still hurts of loneliness.

My interpretation of a solo quarantine has opened up old wounds that I attempt to mend and heal again and again.

There are hurts that no well intentioned friend or family member can heal. They are open and raw and I want nothing more than to feel protected.

There are times I tire of being strong, powerful, independent, inspiring, or the leader.

There are nights at 3am that I want to melt or crumble.
This woman wants a grounded man to show up when nothing feels certain.

Left to my own devices, I feel weak and weary.

Sometimes, I feel like a leaf in the wind when talking to God.
Sometimes, relying on faith doesn't feel substantial enough.

I question how long I'll have to wait for some of my visions to manifest, if ever.

I question how much damage the threat of virus, hysteria, manipulation, and straight up evil will cause.

How many lives will be lost?
How can we protect ourselves down here with only our shields of belief?

My journal ramble is one of honest inquiry.

I debate hitting post for fear of making a pandemic about me right now, but one thing I have learned is that if I feel this way, someone else does too.

This is for those of you feeling some flavor of these fears, concerns, and upsets.

It's for those of us struggling with what feels unfair.

I have had many loving people check up on me and I am certainly grateful but for now, I am hosting a 3...now 3:30am pity party about being in bed alone.
Scared.
Upset. Torn.
Frustrated and resigned.

There is something to this and I have the understanding that I cannot comprehend it's magnitude pertaining to the entire scope and sequence of humanity.

I know that I have faced my own mortality a few times over the last 25 days.

I fear genocide and have been trying to transcend my earthly attachment to this particular life.

I fear legalized crime being committed before our very eyes and revolt causing separation, blame, and hatred.

I fear primal survival impulses causing us to lose our compassion completely and preventing us from recognizing the good and the God in each other.

I have a lot of fears keeping me up and I am still trying to ground in and grow Gratitude.

I think it's why I haven't stopped writing.

I don't want to sit in these fears.

They are consuming.
They are crippling.
They are exhausting and defeating and when I think about who I really know myself to be, I am none of these things.

I am none of these thoughts.

I feel the soul of me chained and weighed down by these worries and concerns, inhibited from flapping her wings.

For now, I will not solve or resolve each item on my worry list.

I will simply rest my head on remembering I am not my thoughts.
I am not my identity.
​I am not what I identify with.
I am not a body, I am free.