Dear Addicted One,
I love you. I know you so well.
You are puffy with pain.
You are swollen with sorrow.
You are harboring hurt and I see you. I feel you. I am you. I love you.
Your eyes were always half closed in attempts to shut out pain and perceived threats.
Your eyes were always half open so you could attempt not to see life as your responsibility.
You got goofy enough to make life lighter when all it felt like was dark and heavy.
Your eyes were glazed over the same way you tried to glaze happiness over your open wounds.
Your words were slurred so you could smother what you really wanted to say:
I am hurt.
I am confused.
I feel so hopeless.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to make it stop.
I don't want to go on feeling this way.
I can't take this pain anymore.
My everything hurts."
Dear Addicted One, I love you.
Although packed with pain, I see you making every attempt to escape it.
From self medicating, to endangering choices, to careless actions, to numbing out, fighting, pouting, crying, pushing, and all.
I see you squirming in your own body wanting out of all the pain and doing any and everything you can think of not to feel it.
I see you. I feel you. I am you.
Your attempts may be destructive and they are still attempts to escape.
Babe, your intention is correct.
Your direction is wrong.
Just. Turn. Around.
Put down the pipe.
Put down the bottle.
Put down the phone.
Put down the food.
Leave the relationship.
Leave the job.
Let go of the past.
Keep showing up.
And keep on keeping on.....
Dear Addicted One, you would not have been walked through the valley of the shadow of death if it wasn't to come out radiating life.
You wouldn't have been taken to the depths of your soul if it wasn't to become as your highest and best.
I wouldn't have prepared you in such ways if it wasn't to serve, lead, and guide in such exact and unique ways.
You have been prepared, my child.
You have been chiseled, sanded, and polished to perfection to serve in such grace and light.
Now is the time to own your grace and light.
Addicted One, you are not addicted.
You are Anointed.
Lay it all down so that you may have a wide open heart to receive all the blessings that await you here in Heaven on Earth.
I love you.
I am proud of you.
Now is your time to shine.
Photo: Summer of 2016 a few months after divorce and the peak of my self medicating and after a car panic attack. I take these kinds of photos to remember the current experience. This one was one of compounded confusion, numbness, and hopelessness. I hang on to them to remember how I felt and to show myself my progress. I haven't been in that state of mind since then. Even tough times later weren't the same flavor of tough and I was always a new level of grown.
Keep. Freaking. Going. My Love.
You can heal.
You can move on.
Life does get better.
Take the lead.