I usually feel pretty uncool.
I am participating in Sammie Vitale-Sterling 's #SweetImperfections 5 Day Challenge and today's topic is self-esteem.
I am here traveling alone in Costa Rica and when I go to busy restaurants or resorts or the beach, I feel like a teenage girl with her lunch tray wondering where to sit.
I am reminded with every table I take or taxi I get in and they ask me "sola"!?!
"Si, señor. Sola."
I feel judged when I go to parties or gatherings and get questioned/challenged about not drinking or smoking anymore.
I feel rejected when people tell me that what I am teaching and preaching about doesn’t make sense or is too far out there.
I feel defensive when someone rolls their eyes about the stuff that's important to me.
I doubt myself when people doubt me.
I feel uncool when people react negatively to me.
I question myself when others express their distaste of confusion or downright disapproval of me.
It has taken me years to learn to love and accept myself but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I feel judged.
It doesn't make me bullet proof to shots fired about my career path, lifestyle, or choices.
It also doesn’t mean that I won't keep loving them or myself.
It means I get a new chance to expand my capacity for love.
I get to be me and others get to be themselves.
Sammie read an excerpt from her book today about when the main character looks in the mirror and is noticing all the parts of herself she doesn’t like.
I've been there.
I didn't like my puffy eyes and cheeks, or version of me that weekly drank herself into a blackout as her idea of fun.
I didn't like my breaking, bleach blonde hair and constant dark roots that reminded me I was covering the real me up for some ideal of attractive.
I didn't look myself in the eyes back then.
I just evaluated my skin, hair, clothes, and body shape in the mirror back then.
Then I learned about real mirror work.
I learned how to LOOK AT and SEE myself.
I started meeting myself and the moment I was paying even the slightest bit of attention, my soul started howling and dancing and revealing herself!
She started speaking to me and I started listening.
Beyond that, I started to honor what I was hearing.
No more hair dye.
No more alcohol.
No more weed.
No more caffeine.
Nowadays, I love who I see in the mirror.
I love my physical features because they match the inside.
I love my smile because it is how big my heart and soul smile to be living unleashed.
I love my eyes because I see Spirit in them.
I love my soft skin and love staying energetically soft because I stay more available to give and receive love.
I love my body (preferably without clothes) and being literally and figuratively naked because I have nothing to hide.
I think to cover all of it, I love the healing and transformational work I have done to know, own, love, and share myself as much as I do.
It takes courage and I love myself for practicing that courage because it certainly feels risky.
It feels uncool sometimes.
It feels like putting my neck right on the chopping for anyone following my shares to decide "I don't like this or you!"
However, one thing I am very clear about is that I came here to lead.
I came to share.
I made a soul contract to be seen.
I haven't always felt what I would call 'self esteem' but I won't let that get in the way of sharing myself and unleashing the hearts of others.
Thank you Sammie for pulling this thought stream out of me.
I look forward to the next four days of your #SweetImperfections Challenge.
And if you are reading this, join us!! Friend Sammie and watch her first live to jump on with us!