Growing So Hard

Merry Christmas, Loves!
I ain't gunna paint it up pretty for you until the end of this post.
I can't talk without crying today. 
This is my first Christmas not home. 
It's not what I am used to.
It's unrecognizable. 
It's uncomfortable.
I am missing my fam.
I am missing tradition. 
I am missing the predictable shenanigans, laughs, and lounging.
This morning was tough, lonely, and scary. 
My Sis let me cry it out and she gave me her love but I still don't know what to do with all these emotions but give in and have them. 
So I tear up every few moments when I think of what I am missing. And in this state, I am finding gratitude super tough to access.
What I am present to is the voids I have created ALL OVER my life. 
I have been choosing to exist and operate outside of my 'knowing' in many different ways. 
In my own interpretation, I have given up life as I knew it.
I know how to get a day job.
I know how to get a relationship.
I know how to get a living space and set it up.
I know how to have a routine and live in it.
I know exactly how to get home and be with family.
What I DON'T know is what it's like to sit outside of what I know and find gratitude and peace of mind...and to try it all at the same time??? Cue the fear, tears, self doubt, and confusion. As Will Farrell so eloquently put it, "I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOOOOTIOOOOON!!"
So here I am this Christmas trying out a BUNCH of new life stuff all at one time experiencing an overwhelm of how different life looks right now. Not better or worse, just so so sooooo different.
Beyond the breakdown is the abyss of possibility. It is vast. It is epically overwhelming to just sit, stare, and consider all that is actually available. There will be PLENTY more peaks, traditions, times together in the future but now is not that time. Right now, it is my time to be WITH the blank slate.
My natural inclination is to fill the void by chasing the next thing. It is outside of who I know myself to be to not hit the next button and fling into action. Sitting still to feel my feelings is weird and new.
This has become an INCREDIBLE test of gratitude.
Looking at what I have RIGHT NOW requires a new kind of presence this specific holiday. I have reached a new peak of newness. Therefore, all I had been present to was what was missing: family, friends, job, relationship, cozy home, tradition...all the things I know Christmas to be.
Sooooooo! When I clear the fear and wipe my tears of 'missing' I am able to see what I DO have.
What I am grateful this Christmas is...
-That I have my Sister Emily Gazda and J.L. Canepa by my side to celebrate this holiday in a brand new way
-I have never had the freedom to just move somewhere for two months to have a new life experience 
-I got to phone a few loved ones to share connection and relation
-I got to watch Oregon drivers try to figure out how to drive on snow/ice
-I found an empty lot to do 'snownuts' in
-I have my health and wits about me
-I have spent more time with Jena Rose in December than ever! 
-I am actually sharing possibility with new souls in Oregon 
-Really, I could go on
What I am most most grateful for is the awareness that just because life doesn't look the way it always has, doesn't mean that there isn't life to be grateful for.
It may be a simple lesson but to be in the depths of learning it, I find myself needing to speak it out loud.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for sharing in connection, love, and gratitude. 
Thank you EVER SO MUCH for being part of life as I know it. It is a great life.
No matter what your holiday looks like, Merry Day, everyday. 
I love You. 
I love Me.
I love Love.

For daily gratitude, join us in the Growing Gratitude community on Facebook! Thank you for growing with me and as always, live the life you love