“I have been in a toxic relationship with money.”
Now, normally I wouldn't speak that out loud as to not further speak it true into my life. However, I am doing so to take my power back from this deeply rooted personal truth.
I have been doing a lot of work on my money mindset this entire year…the last four years for that matter…and it is revealing so many fears and insecurities.
I have discovered SO MANY limiting beliefs, looping patterns, and self-sabotaging ways. They have been revealing themselves as I break up old conditioning around the way I give, receive, and view money.
This has been incredibly uncomfortable.
This work has left me so raw at times where all I could do next was take time off to relax and heal.
My relationship to money has definitely occurred to me as a toxic and tumultuous one and I had a major shift in how I relate to money after I heard myself say something that stopped me in my tracks.
I said it for the first time on a call in front of 39 women, “money took my mom away from me.”
God bless my mother. A single mom of 2 pulled herself up by her bootstraps and got to work to give her daughters the best life she ever possibly could!
It was not until I spoke that sentence out loud did I realize that I have been holding a lifelong grudge against money for ‘taking my mom away from my childhood.’
I was explaining to these women how I have positioned many of the things I want in life in opposition of each other.
In my head, it was money OR love. Quality time OR money, but not both. I couldn't get both. I couldn’t have all of it at once.
I certainly didn't feel like I had both in my childhood.
I missed my mom. I wanted her with me. I wanted her all of her attention and I am just now seeing as a 30 year old woman how I have faulted, blamed, and hated money for my whole life because of it.
Saying “money took my mom away from me” in that specific way opened up a whole new world and created a whole new possibility in my relationship with money.
Money did not “take” my mom away.
Money is not the root of all evil.
The same way ‘guns don't kill people, people kill people.’
Money is not evil.
Money does not create character, it reveals it.
If a compassionate, loving person becomes a millionaire, they donate, contribute, start causes and foundations, and more.
If a driven person obtains money, they will use it to advance their ideas and projects.
If a highly spiritual/conscious person obtains money, they will use it to create positive impact and contribute to the good of all.
If a wounded person obtains money, they collect materials to stuff the holes in their hearts to numb the pain. They buy things, people, and more.
If an insecure person obtains money, they will use it to win the affection of others.
If a vengeful person obtains money, they will use it to spite their perceived enemies.
I have blamed money for so many problems in my life and in this world and that is just not fair to money.
Money does not do those things.
The people handling it do and they too are actually not evil, but instead horribly wounded, misguided, misunderstood, and unattended to.
From this day forward, I forgive you money.
I'm sorry for blaming you.
I'm sorry for hating you.
I'm sorry for shunning you.
I'm sorry that I have taken out decade’s worth of unhealed issues on you.
You didn't ask for it.
You didn't cause it.
You didn't do anything to me or my family and I see how I needed a scapegoat for my sadness, anger, blame, shame, and guilt.
You have taken the brunt of my misdirected frustrations and I have unconsciously been scathing you for problems that you have not caused.
I forgive you money.
I release my grudge against you.
I release my hatred.
I release my resentment.
I release my questioning and doubt.
I JUST realized that I've always thought you took my mom away from me.
That is not the case. There is nothing wrong. There is no damage done. There is no fault to assign. It just is what is. It went how it went and created what it created.
I wouldn't be me if it didn't go exactly the way that it did and I love the way that I turned out.
I love who my mother is.
I love the way my family is.
I love everything about my life.
Therefore, I love you too money.
I love my life. I love my people. I love my past and I am eager for my future.
Thank you, money.
Thank you for accepting me the way that I am.
Thank you for your patience as I've resisted and cursed you for longer and farther back than I can even know.
Thank you, money, for your patience as I have worked myself out.
Wanting you and yet, hating you.
Needing you and cursing you.
Earning you and wishing you away.
I have been so conflicted for the last decade as an adult trying to navigate her way through the world.
Between feeling manipulated, cursed, blessed for seconds at a time, using you, and wanting you more than a drug to alleviate my physical, mental, and emotional pain, this has been one hell of a roller coaster relationship.
It has been such a tumultuous relationship and I am ready to lean in with tender love, forgiveness, and acceptance of everything that you are and everything that is possible in our co-creation.
Thank you for your patience money.
I am grateful for your unbiased ways.
I am grateful for your inanimate ways.
It is I that have ‘given you life’ and villainized you.
I am simply grateful to have realized that I can recreate my perspective of you to better suit my growth, transformation, commitments, intentions, and impact.
I am grateful to know that no matter how much I change, you never will.
You will remain simple, steadfast, and available.
I am done cutting myself off from your graces.
I am done limiting my potential with my limiting beliefs.
I am done cursing such a beautifully powerful tool that will help me make THE EXACT impact that I came here to this planet to make.
Thank you forever, money.
I love you.
I can’t wait to receive more of you.
I can hardly wait to share, spend, and save more of you.
I can’t wait to celebrate all of life’s abundance and prosperity WITH you.
All my love,