I RSVP'D To My Own Divorce
'This time four years ago, I was counting down and collecting RSVP's for my wedding.
I was skipping around from venue meetings to food tastings.
I was effortlessly booking photo shoots, vendors, and hotel blocks.
I was floating on my own personal Cloud 9 as I made centerpieces, planned the seating arrangements, and booked our honeymoon.
I was 26 thinking I had landed My Man.
And I did it y'all!
I checked ALL. THE. BOXES!✔
We....I...had my dream guy, an amazing well paid career, dream car, and we were house shopping.
I was having the time of my life watching my White Picket Fence dream go up plank by plank.
A lifetime's worth of fantasizing was manifesting right before my very eyes.
➡️I was IN ALL MY GLORY!
My fiance? I wouldn't know what he was going through cause I was pretty busy having my dreams come true to check in on what he wanted.
I was busy playing out just about every girl's fantasy wedding doing #allthethings cause "you only get married once" right!?!
I was distracted by my giddy joy over bachelorette events and matching gift baskets at the rehearsal dinner.
I was too thrilled to host 300 people I love most in the world to turn my attention to the ONE I was marrying.
Welp. That cost us.
Some 6 years.
I was so hyper focused on a dream wedding that I didn't make sure we were each other's best options for a real marriage.
6 months later when my husband told me that he didn't want to be married, I had to make sense of all that had just happened.
The wedding storm had passed and settled and it was only he and I left to sort out our vows.
No 300 of our closest family and friends.
Just he and I, on the couch.
Ending our relationship.
It's been 3+ years now and I still have natural days of sadness, longing, resentment, frustration, confusion, and more.
I also ONLY learned my life lessons in hindsight.
We were both doing the best with what we knew. He didn't speak up much and I didn't listen much. A recipe for exactly what happened.
I am not left with regrets. Just lessons.
Life lessons that I KNOW I would have learned one way or another.
As a coach, I see how we are ALL taking INCREDIBLY different routes to the same mountain peak of enlightenment.
We are walking vastly different paths to learn the same fundamental concepts like self-love, acceptance of all that is, forgiveness, trust, and surrender.
I learned a whole lot of my lessons through perfectionism, marriage, divorce, and recovery from disappointment.
My breakdowns in life PERFECTLY match my unique flavor of fears.
Fear of rejection
Feeling not good enough
Feeling fundamentally flawed
Fear of good times ending
Fear of being forgotten
Can you look back and see that perfect storm brewing!?!?
I RSVP'd for divorce and I had no idea.
What is so cool to me in all of this is that I have looked at this situation SO MUCH that I have learned about myself and human behaviors on an EXPERT FUCKING LEVEL!
I feel like a hot damn fortune teller these days cause I can see storms brewin' from miles away.
I can forsee YEARS out.
I don't have to be 'right' about that.
You don't have to believe me about it.
I know what I know and I know that I know it.
I can read humans like books.
I can watch patterns playing out right before my eyes.
I feel like a mystic.
I feel like a medium.
I feel like a fairy god mother.
I feel like an intuitive guide.
And I trust it.
And I offer it to those open to receiving it.
Most are not.
Many think they are until they realize how responsible they are expected to be.
This unfolding has been my own Hero's Journey. I see, accept, love, and thank all the pieces at play.
This brings me such peace of mind, I can't even tell you nor would I attempt to convince you.
I have detached in so many ways and it feels so good. So soft. So kind and gentle to walk this Earth with nowhere to be.
Nowadays, I surrender.
I have officially RSVP'd for my soul's purpose and I have no idea where she is taking me. I am just going, growing, living, and loving.
And you can ALWAYS bet that I am living a life I love.
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