I just journaled 11 pages and am coming to you with some post journaling breakthrough thoughts. This post will take you on a bit of an adventure so stay with me.
After journaling, it occurred to me that I have been living in my one bedroom studio for a year and three months.
After doing the math, this is the longest I have been in one living space sense being married.
Divorce caused so much disruption in my life: physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. It disrupted everything I had ever known.
It knocked down the little house of cards that I had built and revealed to me how shaky my foundation really was.
This disruption made me so uncomfortable that staying anywhere for too long was uncomfortable.
I was itchy to keep moving often because I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I was disrupted in my mind.
I was unsettled in my heart.
I couldn't find stillness no matter where I tried to lay my head.
In my most recent trip to Arizona over the last 14 days, it had occurred to me that the part of myself that identifies as The Nomad is ready to retire.
There is a part of me that took a lot of pride in being able to 'fit my life in my Jeep' and being able to pack up and move in a day...or in an hour.
The Nomad enjoyed her identity as being spontaneous, a minimalist, and somewhat unpredictable and uncatchable.
I realized in all of this contemplation that I liked being uncatchable because last time I allowed myself to be caught, I was also let go of and it hurt too much to risk that again.
While calculating all of this, the thoughts I have been mulling over the last month seemed to fit together like the most perfect puzzle.
I understand how The Nomad is another identity of Quitter.
She is a runner.
[Heck, maybe I will publish a new edition of Giving Up Giving Up: The Memoir of a Quitter with a new chapter about retiring The Nomad haha #staytuned]
The Nomad was unavailable for certain things such as stability, sustainable success, and long term love.
She stayed on her toes so no one could knock her off her feet.
Tonight I identified this lingering feeling and am willing to release this ego identity consciously and lovingly.
Two identities that I did not know were collapsed together:
The Nomad and The Adventurer.
Abigail the Adventurer loves the curiosity, beauty, bliss, and miracle of life. She loves to explore this planet and enjoy its majesty.
However, I know that my priority is standing on a firm foundation of a consistent home, consistent relationships, and consistent success, contribution, and impact.
*Something I would like to explain is the fact that there is a VERY thin line between our survival mechanisms (otherwise known as our ego) and our soul (or essence).
Our survival mechanisms have quite literally helped us survive in times when there were perceived threats or impending doom.
The Nomad was constantly on the look out for let down, disappointment, and the need to protect and run...all things that threatened me and my comfort. My ego was there to protect me.
The Adventurer on other hand, lives in full trust, faith, and excitement about the road ahead.
She knows that she is capable of handling anything that comes her way and any unexpected turn that the adventure may take.
When distinguishing the difference between your ego and your essence, it is important to release the ego, accept the essence, and embrace the possibility of full expression as the highest and best version of yourself.
That said, I embrace The Adventurer.
I release The Nomad lovingly with gratitude for what she has given me, taught me, and taken me through.
What a beautiful adventure she has led and after 4 years of tipping around on her toes it is time to plant roots.
If you ordered and read my newest book, Talking to the Trees, you may have a better understanding what a deep soul connection I have to
San Clemente, California.
There's a specific patch of grass here overlooking the ocean I recognized in a visualization back in 2017 that awakened me to the fact that I needed to move here and I did so within a month.
From the moment of that meditation, I knew exactly where I needed to be: next to the ocean, under the Sun, on the side of a cliff.
Since that move, The Nomad still kept me on the run to Portland, Phoenix, Chandler, Gilbert, Scottsdale, and more.
While these moves where all SO BENEFICIAL for my life experience, I can tell without a doubt that settling down is the next right step in my life.
While The Nomad is passing away, I can certainly tell you that the adventure has just begun