I have finally graduated from my 20's!!!!!
What a WILD ride y'all!
On the Hearts Unleashed Podcast, I am sharing a solo #fridayfillup called Advice To My 20 Year Old Self and it's filled with nuggets that I am sure you too learned in that crazy chunk of life.
However, I want to share some gems with you right now. There are SO MANY of you whom I am just now crossing paths with and we have only known each other for a few days, weeks, or months.
Knowing me for the last decade means that you knew college Abby who based her identity off of student-athlete. I may have been your basketball coach or captain. Knowing me then would mean you knew me as a teacher, manager, or consultant. You may have also met me as girlfriend, fiance, or wife. Most recently, you have watched me grow as author, speaker, and coach.
This decade has occurred as (at least) five lifetimes. All vastly different and yet, all some extension of me. Funny part is that I am no longer many of those roles or titles. Each year, I have been stepping into new levels of self in every area of life.
One thing I can say is that getting older has never been more exciting.
I spent so much (most) of my 20's concerned with what others thought of me. Even in my growth as an entrepreneur, I have had to (un)learn the conditioning of my past that thrived on achievements, people pleasing, and looking good. People's opinions impacted me more than I am willing to admit. Negative feedback would throw me into a spiral of doubt and confusion.
Even knowing I was ready and willing to grow into the next level of woman, I have faced off with all of the baggage that dates back to diapers. This amount of inner work has taken years to work out. The inner work is also something that I avoided for years.
I did not become interested in chasing bigger dreams until divorce took the dreams I had away in an instant. Much of my energy in my 20's was spent on boys, basketball, and booze and all effectively distracted me from discovering myself at my highest and best.
I honestly spent the larger part of the last decade in a fog navigating college, knee injuries, first career, second career, third career, marriage, first business, second business, third business....man, 10 relocations, dating, and more.
There are endless examples of trying to create my worth and success outside of me. I was constantly chasing good enough and no matter how hard I would sprint towards the dream, there always seemed to be this bungee cord pulling me back.
Countless times, I had situations where years worth of effort went away overnight. Each example became so much more painful that I couldn't help but notice that there was a pattern occurring. It is only in the last two years did I discover my self sabotage strategy to always come up short.
I dubbed this part of me The Honorable Mention Olympian and I write a whole chapter about her in my book, Giving Up Giving Up: The Memoir of a Quitter. She would create obstacles, head to battle, get everyone cheering for her, only to be consoled by them when she came in second or lost the battle in the final minutes. Fuckin' heroic, right?
I was searching so hard and when I could not find, I would just add to the fog. I would cloud my own vision by numbing out. From as 'harmless' as Netflix binging to binging on drugs, sex, and rock and roll, there were so many ages and stages that I did not want to face and feel my deepest insecurities.
In fact, I did not know that half of them even existed because of how masterful I had gotten at distracting myself with chaos and commotion.
When I noticed this pattern, I could not ignore it anymore. It became too obvious that I had to shift it because I realized that I was the one causing my perceived discontentment.
In light of this revelation, I took on a new pattern:
I became willing to be wrong and began loving it.
It is so fabulous to discover what's possible when you release your limiting beliefs and elusive facts about the way life is. As I shifted my mindset, I realized I didn't need the fog anymore.
These results kicked off a new brand of leveling up! It's as if I am heading around a whole new bend in life as I have been approaching 30. It wasn't until about 29.5 that I decided to cool it with alcohol and cannabis. I just now started letting go of caffeine and (most) candy/junk food. It wasn't more than 6 months ago when I tired of waking up tired, hungover, bloated, and foggy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still indulge but I feel like a new human being with my wits about me. I feel, hear, and see much more clearly living in moderation. Choosing clarity, follow through, and showing up powerfully has seemed to unlock a whole new code in life.
I have been making quantum leaps that do not obey the linear laws of "reality." The deep inner work I have been doing with a clear mind have launched me leaps and bounds through time to heal old wounds and propel forward at the speed of light.
That said, I have a confession:
I have been telling people I am thirty for the last few months.
Mostly because I have been so ready to FEEL thirty for myself.
In the beginning of my practice, I had fears about not 'being as fun' to be around. I knew I was ready to shed a few layers. Some of the identities that I would be leaving in my 20's were....
As I have released these shades of my ego, I have gotten to step further into the light. They are ever present tempting me to choose. This morning, I woke up, put my crown on, and took my seat on my thrown and chose love.
Enjoying my clarity has activated the flame within me. It has helped me hear the whispers of my heart EVEN louder and I am fully aware of my power.
I have achieved some amazing feats in the fog. Since it has lifted, I have more sight to envision the direction I want my life to be going and what steps to take to get there. I am unstoppable because I am operating from the inside out. No wind or rain came put this flame out.
I am clear. I am complete. I am coming closer to 'home' every day, in every way, and it feels like magic.
It feels like 30.
I am no longer in crisis.