Wrapping Up A LONG Year With A LONG Gratitude Reflection

I am going to admit something strange that happened to me in 2019, but first, I want to start this post the same way I started this year:
with my word.

In my line of work, I often explain to my clients that
"Your word creates your word."

It's a prrrreeeeetty simple concept.
Speak garbage, get garbage.
Speak doubt, you will produce evidence for your doubt.
Speak vaguely, produce vague results.
Speak energetically, experience an energetic life.
Speak with kindness and love and you will see it swirling around you.
Speak life into your visions and you will watch them manifest with ease.

That said, my 2019 word has served me well.

In the beginning of this year, I selected an intention word and I had no idea exactly how much it would guide my evolution over the course of 12 months!
As I write this (on December 29, 2019), I am amazed at what this word has done for my life.

My word for the year was FLOW.
​
You see, for the previous 29 years of my life, I pretty successfully used force to create the life I dreamed of.
I used MY will to get what I wanted AND to control the pace of it.
If I wasn’t getting my way, I could usually force my hand in the matter to create my desired outcome.
This worked while it worked…and then, it didn’t anymore. It’s like my force lost its power after my awakening and I could no longer use it as a tool to manifest my desires.

I was okay to see this, but wasn’t exactly sure how to practice anything new. As a former athlete and recovering perfectionist, I only knew force. So three years into building my company and coaching practice, I knew force had fully run its course.

What I really saw when I took the time to examine my past was all the carnage along the route. Exes, a lot of substance abuse, codependency, withheld feelings and conversations. I saw how I walked through a lot of my life using both ‘healthy’ and unhealthy coping strategies to distract myself from my connection to my intuition and inner knowing.

When I saw this, I could not unsee it all. I knew it had to be looked at and I would have to be with all of my fears, regrets, insecurities, resentments, grudges, and darkness to truly step into the light in a ‘once and for all’ type of way. I saw how numbing out would no longer work and I noticed how my previous distraction factors really lost their ‘razzle dazzle.’

The strategy of force became intolerable and intentionally choosing FLOW this year has led me very naturally into my flow states more deeply and fully by the hour.

This year has been phenomenal.

It has been an amazing adventure and I have enjoyed learning myself more than ever.

The state of flow has led me to my strongest state of self-love, acceptance, and reverence. It has been so beautiful to meet myself in FLOW.

The fascination and appreciation of my body as the home of my soul has led to self-exploration and nurturing. It has evolved over the year into practicing celibacy, sobriety, and deeper levels of spirituality.
Funny enough (and completely unplanned), this was also the year that I completely grew all of the hair dye out of my hair. This is a huge personal victory and I have never felt so beautiful AND sexy.

I will share some other details about how great this year has been but first, let’s talk about the weird bugs infestation I had in 2019….

Over the last 2 years, the caterpillar energy has been showing itself to me in subtle ways. I always thought butterflies were kind of childish or girly and so I was never drawn to them as a fond sign of guidance from the Universe or God.

In the fall of this year, the metamorphosis of a caterpillar to a butterfly became a very prominent message everywhere in my life. I saw it in real life, in messaging, and watched my friend Alex sharing the chrysalis (cocoon) phase of a caterpillar's metamorphosis on her IG story for a week or so. It was showing up so literally and frequently that I researched the spirit animal energy of the caterpillar and butterfly.

The caterpillar shows up to invite you to “proceed with caution/tread lightly” and to “take it easy on life.” As a former forcer, I never knew how to take it easy on anything.

This practice of moving slow was a very new and quite an uncomfortable experience at first. I am proud to say that I have graduated into honoring my own energy cycles of working at night when I am most creatively energized (hence this 10pm post) and sleeping in and having slow, sensual, smooth starts to my days.

After noticing more and more obviously, I shared my own transformational post and people began sending me images of butterflies, stories of butterflies showing up in their life, and more. It became very apparent that this transformation was part of my own.

The butterfly spirit signifies resurrection and the need for quiet reflection and meditation in a time of transformation, or quite literally, metamorphosis. The butterfly’s message rang so true for me as I have embarked on a journey of the soul this year. It has been a mission of fully unleashing my heart and intuition in order to serve to my fullest capacity. This required me to surrender to the whispers of my heart. Much like the butterfly, she always knows the way.

Stay with me on this long story, because in the summer of this year, spiders began to also make their presence known in my life. So much so that they were showing up right in my face!
Regularly!
Hanging from trees, doorways, in my room, hiding under things…
you name it.

I actually overcame my fear/grossed outness about spiders this year because of it.

It was upon a spider moving in to my passenger side mirror that I actually befriended these creepy crawlers. Despite hosing, spraying, shooing, and wiping of his web, he stayed for months.

I began to develop a relationship with Spidey. I even caught him once outside of his safety zone (tucked behind the mirror) but I couldn’t bring myself to end this battle royal. I finally gave up the idea of getting rid of him and realized that I hadn’t looked up the spirit animal energy of the spider for his message.

It dawned on my so abruptly that I actually asked out loud, “OH! Okay, Spidey! What are you trying to tell me?!?”

The spider represents weaving a web and exercising incredible patience while doing it. The spider showing up in your life is assurance and validation that the webs you are weaving are getting stronger, fuller, and ready to "catch" or receive more abundance. It is a symbol of the webs you have been weaving coming together to build a strong network filled with abundance.

Spiders are strategic and patient. Two months with my new passenger and message received, Spidey.
Message received.
Do you believe me telling you that he moved out exactly 2 days after I did my spirit animal research?
Cause he totally did.

So after all this animal energy in my life, I began following the bread crumbs of the universe as signs of approval for my efforts and work. I actually realized that a feature of FLOW is to be in flow with nature!

Because of this realization, I exercised peace and welcomed any and all signals. All the while, many continued to show up in my life. Gracefully and assuredly I would see the signs and symbols at times of questioning, trial, or inner search.

In this year the concept of flow has naturally taken me through evolution. Being in flow with nature had me looking at being in flow with my nature.

I began to study my fertility cycle and research its connection with the celestial and seasonal cycles. (HINT HINT! They all go together! AND I discuss this fully in my Sex & Intimacy Series: Periods, Cycles, & Seasons episode #120 on HUP)

My growth has never been so simple or exciting.
This is the first time in my life that I've looked within for my answers and guidance and my ‘work’ has never been easier. Flow has seemed to be aligning me with my source energy to truly co-create from my unleashed heart.

And then....AND THEN!!!!

In the last two months of this year, ANTS! Ants started crawling their way into my life! First, on my window sill. Then, finding crumbs ANYWHERE! Then, on my computer!?!

I would be typing you guys posts and emails and like.hot.damn.magic, one would appear on my keyboard and I stopped in annoyed frustration wondering WHY on God's green Earth, are all these insects needing to be the ones showing up in my life to deliver messages!???

I’ve always been kinda grossed out by bugs so I started to ask WWWWHHHYYYYY couldn’t I get cute feathers and roses as signs?

WHY BUGS!?!

And then…I realized....I AM an insect (mammal, chill) crawling around God's green Earth creating my own cocoons, webs, and tunnels through uncharted territories to bring a well-oiled Transformation Train to you in the form of Hearts Unleashed as a full-service transformation company!

I have been scurrying and burrowing for years now! I have been crawling through trenches to get to this point. I am no different than any ant that crawls across my screen.

This work has been years in the making and I see its evolution and development over the next 20 years!

You see, the ant energy comes as a sign of ultimate patience, persistence, resiliency, and trust. The ant forges forth, smaller than anything it can see, and can lift up to 50 times its own weight! So with blind faith, courage, and strength, the ant, quite plainly, just goes on...and on...and on...

And in the time frame of 2019, all of these insects have brought me messages that I had been seeking…begging for, really.

Before 2019, I was lost in my search waiting for someone or something to save me. I was sprinting around looking at every person or opportunity to be my saving grace.
They never were.
‘He’ never came.

Instead, the bugs did. They infested my life to infuse me with faith.

And so they have. At this very moment, my relationship with God, Consciousness, Source Energy, Universe, Shamalamadingdong for all I care, is the strongest it’s ever been.

I am feeling faithful, in love, and in trust.
I am as clear as I've ever been.
I feel guided and led to the fullest expression of my love and life.
It is exhilarating and I eagerly enjoy its unfolding.

As the butterfly leaves her cocoon, she pumps blood into her wings so that they may flap and within a few hours of her metamorphosis, she takes off to reproduce. To spread the love and share her beauty. She doesn’t learn any of it from anywhere or any one.

She knows.
She simply does what she knows to do and life provides everything she needs to do it.
That. Is. Flow.

Back in the summer, I saw a butterfly at the San Clemente beach as I was walking up the stairs back to my Jeep after a surfing session. The thought came to me, “that butterfly has no idea she’s in California. And she's only in California because someone started calling it that.”

Your truth.
Your circumstance is malleable.
Your word creates your world and that is why choosing a word of the year is so near and dear to my heart.

When we get wrapped up in resolutions, we distract ourselves with doing them right or wrong or the self-torture of acting like we even want to do them. (Please stop that.)

When you choose a word of intention, you have a place to come from a foundation to stand on. Here are some more amazing ways stepping into FLOW and aligning my energy to it created an unforgettable 2019:

· Left a full time corporate position on Jan 4.

· Went on my first four day digital detox in January 2019 which lead to a full Disappearing December off social media that I am wrapping up here on Jan 1, 2020. *so healthy*

· Relocated BACK BACK BACK TO CALI CALI ON MY BIRTHDAY this February and have reached an indescribable sense of accomplishment and conviction that San Clemente, California is my soul’s home base.

· Refined my services and created a tangible structure to offer my heart’s work and revealed the Hearts Unleashed Academy; a curriculum for transformation. This is something that sets my soul on fire and I look forward to expanding this consciousness for life.

· Opened up, in my Sex & Intimacy Series: My Sexual History, as bi-sexual and feel a level of self-love and freedom that I didn’t really know I was missing.

· Hosted the Hearts Unleashed Podcast Season 2.

· HUP surpassed 120 episodes and 12,000 downloads in 66 countries.

· Started learning two new languages: Spanish and Finances.

· Witnessed triple digit growth in revenue and double digit reduction of expenses in my personal and business finances.

· Had my biggest income months of any career I’ve ever had.

· Paid off $29,000 in debt. This amazed me when my bookkeeper made me aware of it. I know it doesn’t feel that way when you are in the storm of it but the storm does end. *promise*

· Learned to surf and got in some scuba diving in Cabo!

· Promoted two women on my Hearts Unleashed staff and you will TOTALLY be meeting them more this year! Rhonda is my Executive Assistant and Jill is Client Relations Director and they are salt of the Earth kind of women who will guide your transformations with ease, grace, joy, bliss, and radiance. I am so excited to introduce you!

· Learned HOW TO ACTUALLY operate in flow. Specifically, in my divine feminine flow.

· FOR THE FIRST TIME EVA! Planned my business projections and budgets and calendars ON PURPOSE AND WITH JOY!

· Traveled to 15 states this year, my most in a year ever.

· I am the most in love with myself that I have ever been and I get to love people so fully because of it.

What I am so present to making this list and sharing it with you is the growth.

There are STILL days when I get wrapped up in a wrestling match with my ego. My inner critic reminds me that I am not where I see myself. She reminds me about divorce and heartbreak. She definitely doesn’t let me forget the debt that I still owe.

The difference is, the ego used to run my life so well that I thought she was me instead of just a part of me. Once I separated myself from her, I was free to choose a more empowered way of being.
From there, I have created an empowered life and I am thriving.

On this Sunday's weekly email, The Beat, you will be the first to find out what my word is for 2020.

I am still meditating on it because a few words keep coming through. I am sure I will make my selection in my New Year’s Eve Solo Ceremony (totally came up with that right now). I am so excited to spend my first new year’s alone to start a year “here and clear.”

For now, I invite you to reflect on your 2019 word and prepare for the next year that starts the next decade!

Even if you didn’t actively choose a word at the beginning of this year, look for the reoccurring themes, lessons, and growth periods…and insects apparently. I am going to assume that your word will reveal itself.

Message me or comment below and let me know what you discovered in your annual reflections!

Love you so much. I am honored to have shared this year of your life with you and look forward to Growing Gratitude together!